The holidays have passed and the winter is cold and dark. It is no surprise that the depression is back to dominating my every waking moment with a vengeance. Winters are usually the worst for most people who suffer with depression or S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder). We don't do well with the lack of sunlight that occurs in winter. I have for most of my adult life gone through periods of depression. Some worse than others. Usually following a life event such as the loss of another, which is normal. On occasion I would find myself depressed and couldn't tell you why, it just came over me. It is something that comes on slowly and sadly I don't realize just how bad it is until the impact on my life until I am drowning in it. I have required the use of anti-depressants and usually within a few weeks I am doing much better. I do not continue to take the anti-depressants any longer than necessary.
There is something very different about my depression this time around. First of all I accepted my depression as a natural part of being diagnosed with chronic illness that have no cure. When I declared the depression a normal response to my situation, I thought I could just get through it. I just need time to come to terms with my diagnosis. It would appear that it is past time that I asked my Dr. for help. The difference this time around is chronic illness that results in chronic pain each and every day for the past year. That is 365 days of pain that brings me to my knees. Pain that makes functioning difficult. I have mentioned depression on this blog before probably in August/September after my initial diagnosis, but it has yet to end. This week I have realized how deep this depression is. I cannot deal with this on my own. I am going to need to make an appointment with my Dr. to discuss and get a prescription for anti-depressants.
When you live each and every day with: chronic fatigue that is almost as debilitating as the disease itself, pain that brings you to your knees and illnesses that cause your body to attack it self it is no wonder that depression is never far behind. It makes the pain worse, it takes away your inner fight, it makes the day to day feel impossible. Depression is not something that you can will yourself out of, others cannot cajole you into feeling better and this time rather than getting better a little each day it appears to have gotten deeper each day. Sometimes you don't notice how bad it is until you cannot ignore it any longer. I put on a happy face and got through the holidays for the sake of my children. Today I cannot find that happy face not even for my children. I have cried more than my share this past week. Crying because the pain is so bad, crying because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, crying because I have no choice, crying because I am scared of my future with this disease.
One of the medications I am on is an anti-depressant. However, it was prescribed for pain relief from the Fibro which it doesn't seem to help at all and it was prescribed to help me sleep which it does help most nights unless the pain is so bad I cannot get to sleep. Once I am asleep I sleep for a few hours and then the pain wakes me. Getting back to sleep is difficult. So I would suggest that this is not the right medication to help my depression since I have been on it since August and it hasn't stopped the depression from developing nor has it decreased it at all. I shall make an appointment to see my family Dr. next week.
Have you ever dealt with depression? How did you manage to over come it? Have you ever developed depression in relation to chronic illness? I would love to hear from you.
© 2011 Rhonda